Chapter 1

January 24, 2015

Mind over Mood

I bought this book, relieved to finally have something like a handbook that I could follow on my journey up the mountain, straight past the hermit cave I’ve believed for so long that I’d need to live in to “fix” myself and emerge “all better” – I mean, even just the secondary title’s promise to help each reader Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think was enough to inspire hope.  

I, my dear wife, am an eternal (read: idiotic) optimist.   Just having a plan felt really empowering, but the depression group I was to attend while using this book was almost as inefficiently run as the session leader’s voice was insufferably schmaltzy.   So, I left the group, and am left with this book.   I’ve still got faith in the book.  But starting with four different case studies of severely depressed people, while informative, is not exactly my opinion of the most uplifting way to start a book about how drag yourself out of the shitty depressed funk you’ve crawled just far enough out of to buy this book.

The foreword praises Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which makes me snicker, since CBT is one of Craig’s favorite psychology buzzword/acronym/terms  (buzzronyms?), and the Prologue (OMG, there’s an effing prologue) made me hopeful at first glance, but now just seems trite and unusual.   I mean, I guess it’s a good perspective, but it’s also, like…. ugh, PhD people, I know you know your audience is all fragile and shit, but that don’t mean I want fucking platitudes.   LET’S GET TO THE PART WHERE I FIX ME, CAPICE?!? 

Whatever.

So it starts, “An ouster creates a pearl out of a grain of sand.  The grain of sand is an irritant to the oyster.  In response to the discomfort, the oyster creates a smooth, protective coating that encases the sand and provides relief.  The result is a beautiful pearl.  For an oyster, an irritant becomes the seed for something new.  Similarly, Mind Over Mood will help you develop something valuable from your current discomfort.”

I’m sorry, I need to wipe the coat of patronizing condescension that you just spewed unnecessarily into my eyeballs and take a shot of something strong-tasting to get this taste out of my mouth…. But fine, whatever.  Some little bits are maybe a little helpful, though the number of “quotes” used in the “explanations” of what “Cognitive” and “knowledge” mean on page two are enough to “figuratively drive me crazy”… even though I did not hate the sentence that finally got to the point: “A central idea in cognitive therapy is that our perception of an event or experience powerfully affects our emotional, behavioral, and physiological responses to it.”  No shit, Sherlock, but I do appreciate having some assurance that we have a mutual understanding of the fact that mindset and perception have an incredibly critical impact on our mindsets, reactions, and, basically, the lives we lead.

So.   Right.   OK.   The rest of this prologue is drivel.  But I’ve already bought you, book, so fine.  I’m just going to skim the eff over these headings of HOW WILL THIS BOOK HELP YOU? and HOW TO USE THIS BOOK (umm, you read it and fill in the blanks and, you know, participate actively with the brain it seems like you may or may not be sure I possess?) and skip to Chapter 1.    Ugh. 

After the heading, Understanding your problems, the first five words (which introduce, it’s clear, a case study), are: BEN: I hate getting old.   FUCK.   Jesus, book.  Really?  That’s where you’re gonna go with this?   Let’s really consider our options.  You could have overviewed the process, maybe outlined “Yo, you’re not in this alone, so we’re going to use some examples to help illustrate what we’re going for here”… but no, the first three words on the page REMIND EVERYONE OF THEIR GODDAMN MORTALITY.  YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

OK, fine, I read Ben’s study.  And Marissa’s (who was abused sexually by her father and has had numerous abusive husbands and doesn’t think she’s worthy of living, basically).  Linda is having panic attacks after her father has died, and Vic is so worried about being perfect that he’s got stomach problems, insomnia, and feels inadequate.    What… what…. What do I do with this?   Even taking this with the grain of salt that this is meant to provide a useful couple of examples through which to calibrate my focus on what’s currently going on with me… I… ugh.

Ally just asked me if this is homework for a class, or if it’s voluntary.   I explained that it’s voluntary, and I’m trying to make myself commit to actually going through one chapter a week with you via blog.   I tried to explain how I’m making all of these little obnoxious remarks because I’d be writing them to myself otherwise… and she called my bluff.

Wife, I’m scared to start this process.   It’s not that I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong – I know I can come back and look at it again.   I’m just worried it won’t work well.  The beauty of having a plan is that it’s still all theoretical, hypothetical, all possibility – how does the saying go?   It is best to be beginning?   So… yeah.   I think I’ve been avoiding this so that I can just stay in the “beginning” stages and not actually be responsible for the lack of results if the work I put in does not yield immediate, visceral, visible uplifting outcomes.   Kind of a lot to ask from a book that’s 20 years old.

OK.  Deep breath.  (But I am le tired!   Fine, have a nap.  But zen, ANSWER ZEE QUESTIONS!!)   I’m at a coffee shop, so instead of napping, I’m just gonna take another sip of whatever esspresa-latte-chino I ordered (OH MY GOD PALO ALTO IS FULL TO BURSTING WITH BOURGEOISIE COFFEE PLACES AAAUGH) and do it.

Here goes.

I’m totally going to answer these questions.

OK, first, I’m going to copy this sheet, page 13, word for word.  Internet, this does NOT belong to me.   OK.   OK.   Sip three, two…

EXERCISE : Understanding Your Own Problems

Just as you did for Ben, Marissa, Linda, and Vic, you can begin to understand your own problems by defining what you are experiencing in these five areas of your life; environment, physical reactions, moods, behaviors, and thoughts.  On worksheet 1.1, describe any recent changes or long-term problems you have experienced in each of these areas.  If you have difficulty filling out Worksheet 1.1 ask yourself the questions in the “Helpful Hints” box that follows.  [Questions from the hint box in bold below.]

Worksheet 1.1: Understanding my Problems

Environmental changes/Life situations:

Have I experienced any recent changes?  Absolutely.  Job change, breakup of a 9 month relationship, move to a new city/house/roommates, reconciling but not dating subject of 9-month relationship, plans to move back to the Midwest, changes in mental health care (from

What have been the most stressful events for me in the past year?  Everest, feeling rejected, unwanted, and like a pariah; awful classes at Berkeley coming from such a perspective of deficit, breaking up with Robb, having to move (and not knowing why – there’s no “For Sale” sign… ugh.), having to make friends with roommates, trying to decide whether or not it’s OK that I’m not going to some social events when there are some nights/weekends I feel so empty and alone that I could just cry myself to sleep… Trying to keep up with the demands of ELD, which I’ve never taught before, and feeling guilty

3 years?  Moving a lot, making life decisions, breaking up with Craig…

5 years? Moving a lot, making life decisions, breaking up with Craig…

In Childhood?  Parents’ divorce, Paul being forced to come out, mom’s really awful, unguarded moodswings (much worse before marrying Dan-o), Papa and Betsy’s continued callousness and lack of understanding or empathy for Paul (somewhat understandable, but still sad), feeling like I had to work/figure out the right thing/make sure everyone was happy with me to be worthy of affection/love

Do I experience any long-term or ongoing difficulties? Rumination, procrastination until panic, feelings of emptiness/bleakness/ennui, the cycle of feeling incredibly depressed and then working hard to get out and falling back in…  ummmm, yes?

Physical reactions:

Do I experience any physical symptoms that trouble me:

            Changes in energy level: very low energy when sad.

Appetite: didn’t eat when Robb broke up with me; will sometimes overeat or eat poorly (junk food, fast food, etc.) as a comfort

Sleep: either not enough when ruminating and anxious, or wayyyyyyyy too much (as in recently).

Do I experience any specific symptoms, such as:

            Heart rate fluctuations: not really, though I do get faint sometimes

Stomachaches: ALL THE TIME, along with gastrointestinal/etc. distress

Sweating: somewhat.  Bottoms of feet and palms have begun to sweat more than they used to.   Also had to switch deodorants.

Dizziness: Seldom, but yes.  Much more often than normal, even though it’s only a couple to a few times a month.

Breathing difficulties: not really, except for the one extremely acute panic attack I had back in October.

Pain: yes.  Shooting pain that makes it feel like I’ll snap something if I move.  Always in the chest cavity.

Moods:

What single words describe my moods? 

From most negative to most postitive (from iMoodJournal tracking)

NEGATIVE:

Unloved

Unworthy

Unloveable

Lonely

Sorrowfyl

“So sad”  (hashtagged as one word.)

“Where is it going to come from” (hashtagged as one word.)

Unhappy

“Crying uncontrollably”, “I want a hug”, “Heart hurts”, “I miss everyone” (hashtagged as one word.)

Hopeless

Sweating

Uncomforable

“Feel like I’m dying”

Shivers

“Feel awful”

Crying

Fat

Disgusting

Angry

Distraught

Externalizing

Inarticulate

Depressed

IDGAF

Unsupported

“No will power” “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” “Baddreams” “Heartisbeatingfast”

Collapse

Uninvited

Losing

Addicted

“Like an Idiot”

Unwelcome

“Like a jerk” “Beth died” “Need Suport”

Weeping

Broken

FOMO

Worried

Sad

Irritated

Disappointed

Ashamed

Awful

Grumpy

“No Energy” “Sleeping too much”

Alone

Upset

Itchy

Lonely

Bummed

Friendless

Embarrassed

Stupid

Uncaredfor

Aggrivated

Overwhelmed

Sick

Restless

Melancholy

Lazy

Sensitive

Apprehensive

Achey

Discontent

Confused

Grieving

Disturbed

Emotional

“I hate Everest” “SPS Sucks” “Ugh OBGYN stirrups”

Dehydrated

Negative

Rebuffed

Hungover

Vain

Ignored

Left-out

Ridiculous

Unimportant

Uncertain

Irritated

Depleted

Lethargic

Rejected

Distracted

Absentminded

Sleepy

Distractable

Irked

Annoyed

Cold

Crankly

Callous

Boring

Inflexible

Dawdling

Uninteresting

Behind

Nervous

Unsure

Unsettled

Sluggish

Unmotivated

Undisciplined

Meh

Weird

Overtaxed

Stuck

Uncomfortable

Bored

Unfocused

Tired

Sniffley

Hungy

Busy

Cramping-up

Swollen

Faint

Out of it

Scrutinized

Unbalanced

Awkward

Upset-about-CTEL

POSTIIVE:

Relaxed

Flattered

Better

Finally-getting-going

Connecting

Communicating

Productive

Inspired

Contributing

“Making good use of time”

Singing

Togetherness

Sleeping in

Decompressing

Energetic

Grateful for sunlight

Appreciated

A peace

Listened to

Helped

Competent

Well-rested

Energized

Belonging

Loved

Recovering

Prepared

Taking-time-for-self

Less guilty

Alone but not lonely

Like I’ve made it

Free

Befriended

Supported

Appreciated

Drunkie

Journaling

Proud

Helpful

Funny

Thankful

Cared for

Energetic

Hopeful

Conversational

Good

Invited

Excited

Well fed

Beautiful

Grateful

Content

In love

Adventurous

Too happy not to sing

Good talks, amazing days

Untethered

Meeting new people

Live music

Clean

Supported

Taken care of

Snuggled

Well

Relieved

In Good Company

Fun

Affectionate

Wanted

Silly

Sweet

Celebrated

Thoughtful

THERE WERE A LOT MORE POSITIVES, but many of them were events or peoples’ names that were hashtagged.  J  Lots of music, people, good conversation, unexpectedly fun times, and spontenaity.

Surprised

Behaviors:

What things do I do that I would like to change or improve:

            At work?  More time being on task, less time switching around.

            At home? PROCRASTINATING LESS, getting out of my bedroom and out of bed and not getting trapped in the lovely, calm quagmire of peace and feeling like I don’t have to deal with things in the sanctuary of my little blue room.

            With friends?  More quality time, less…   I don’t know.  I hate feeling like I have to chase friends around, but mostly, we’re good.   Just figuring out what times and with which people and where I want to be, rather than saying “yes” just because I was invited

            By myself? More discipline; I have a lot, and a lot of compassion for myself, but the discipline of getting up or doing something every day or writing my thank-yous without having to think of what will happen if I don’t (and what a terrible person that would make me)

            Do I avoid situations or people when it might be to my advantage to be involved?  AUGH HOW COULD I POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?!?   But…   No, I don’t think so?   Like, I didn’t go to Liesl’s party, but I genuinely didn’t think I’d be happy going.   I went to the city to go dancing even when I thought it would be stupid (it was), but didn’t avoid the situation; I had an adventure instead.

Thoughts:

When I have strong moods, what thoughts do I have about:

Myself?  God, will I ever find someone to love me?   Am I OK?   Is this because I haven’t eaten?  Am I tired?  Gosh, what do I need?

Other people?  Now that I’m not at Everest, it’s not “gosh, do they hate me or something?” but I do worry about what some think.

****Robb: The moment anything about another woman is involved, I crash deep into depression mode.   It took watching Big Hero 6 twice yesterday to get me out of it.   Ugh.

My future?   Actually, I’m a lot calmer about that now than I used to be, but I still worry about finding the “right guy” (or a “good enough” guy), being a good partner, finding work-life balance, leaving Robb (though not as much), being able to have children, being a foster mom – would my partner go for that?  Could I still teach?, seeing the wife enough, seeing other good friends enough, singing and dancing and exercising and actually fricking cooking for myself and sleeping enough and being happy or at least not dreading the sad times so much and having a good, disciplined setup for myself that’s not so rigid I can’t break it sometimes without losing my mind…

Plus oh shit I should really get on that MN Teaching License application…

What thoughts interfere with doing the things I would like to do or think I should do?  I often think of to dos and then think of how much I don’t want to do them, and then it becomes a “what will be the path of least resistance to getting this done?” which is thinly veiled Katy-brain-speak for “how can I do this later”?

What images or memories come into my mind?  I ruminate all the time about things I feel like I did poorly, especially when it makes someone (anyone, really, but especially Robb) feel bad, disappointed in me, sad that I’ve said or done something, or like I have hurt him.

As you will see throughout this book, no matter what changes contribute to your problems (lifelong beliefs, behaviors, physical changes), once you are depressed or anxious or experience some other strong mood, all five aspects of your experience shown in Figure 1.1 are involved.  While small changes in all five areas may be necessary to feel better, you will learn that changes in your thinking are often most important if you want to create lasting positive improvements in your life.  Chapter 2 will help explain why this is so.

Chapter 1 Summary

·         There are five components to any problem: environment, physical reactions, moods, behaviors, and thoughts

·         Each of the five components affects and interacts with the others.

·         Small changes in any one area can lead to changes in other areas.

·         Identifying the five components of your own distress can help target areas for change.

I left the coffee shop soon after just copying this page.

There were two girls having a genuine but sort of icky conversation full of generalizations and racial stereotypes (about Jewish people by the one that was Jewish, and Russian people by the one that was “Russian”) and Ally couldn’t take it anymore.

I thought it was Ally’s angst and desire to get out that made me feel all jumbly inside.  Or maybe the fact that I was deciding not to go to a party that I definitely, definitely don’t actually want to go to, but FOMO was still making me second guess myself.  Or maybe just that privileged Stanford students can sit in coffee shops on Saturday nights and say whatever the fuck they want without worry, enjoying the silent and polite privilege of not having someone come over and tell them off (which Ally said she had literally seen happen at a coffee shop on the Stanford campus when a white person came over to “correct” the opinions of two students of color.  Ugh, I hate everything.)

Wife, I cried when I got home.  I cried and got a hug from every one of my three roommates that was home, cried when Brady said he wished he could give me a hug, cried when Ally explained that the faces I mistook for impatience or irritation were actually faces of consideration of what I was saying.   I love people.   But wife…. crying over privilege or undergraduates having not-fully-developed senses of the world (or appropriate, not-shitty-sounding ways to talk about it), or even just getting angsty about the fact that I genuinely don’t want to hang out at a party where I will like about 2 people and the rest will just make me feel weird and awkward and like I don’t have enough energy to put on the socially-acceptable sugar coating that I would need to survive the night…. All of those things were masking the truth that is continually right in front of me and yet really easy to lose sight of: I am fixating on these things because they are external problems, and it is more comfortable to look at and try to fix those than it is to sit and struggle and truly look at the internal problems that only I have control over.

The world is full of shit.  Shitty decisions, shitty words being said, shitty attitudes leading to shitty treatment of others, all kinds of yucky icky shitty fucked up action and speech and thought and hate and that’s just our treatment of others and not our environment … but, in a way, Robb (and the Buddha, was it? Or Ghandi?  Stupid western civilization misattributing quotes) are right: I can’t do shit about that shit, so I might as well begin with me.  (Or, in the much less coarsely worded quote, “If you would change the world, start with yourself.”  Basically ‘be the change you want to see in the world’ but with more layers and less trite.)

Looking is still uncomfortable.   But, laughably enough, having read Percy Jackson so ravenously over the last few weeks (I think there’s only one more in the series left to read!), I’ve been supplied with a really useful metaphor.  See, in order to explain how all of this mythological, monstrous, Olympian stuff could exist in the world without being seen by mortals, there’s this Mist that makes most mortals see a ‘reasonable’ explanation for the magical or incredible actual events that take place.   Our brains let us see what makes sense, right?  Well… yeah.   I just need to work on remembering to do my best to look through the Mist, focusing not on the fog of all of the many vast and tragic needs of the world, but the ever-present but much quieter inner voice that guides me toward what I need to be able to do a dang thing about it – and let it begin with me.