Addendum

First of all, we were talking about motivation, and I'd be happy to stay on that topic for longer.

However (and second of all), I have continued having a lot of thoughts about expectations and mindsets about people, so if you're down to move on, I shan't protest.   

Since yesterday, I have had the experience of going dancing with John.  Since he did ballet and some interpretive dance during school -- and totally cut a rug at the one house party we went to where there was dancing -- I assumed that he suggested that we go dancing because is great at it, and heard my story about enjoying dancing while in Madison, so he wanted to take me out.   

We got there and, (after a mild fit of anxiety about what I looked like, was wearing, would do, etc.), got out on the dance floor, and I found out John has only ever been out like that once before.  It was really difficult trying to figure how to walk the line between helping him figure out what to do by leading-ish, and following his often difficult-to-determine movements.  I very quickly found myself exhausted by the effort of trying to control what my face was doing, what my body was doing, and what my mind was doing in an effort to be nice, and I'm sure John got tired of something similar: soon he was sitting at a table on the side, sweater off, looking a bit put-out.   I was asked to dance by a few other people, and while I asked him every time and got a 'yes', I could tell there was tension.   We eventually ended up at a balcony in the upstairs, trying to understand what the other one was feeling.  We talked around and over each other for a little while, but after several confounding explanations, we finally arrived at the understanding that he felt awkward and hesitant but feels like he lives much of his life that way -- 'My life is a CoZE experiment' -- and that I often hesitant knowing something is going on with him, but not knowing what.   After that, we enjoyed ourselves dancing upstairs (out of the spotlights and stares of the main dance floor), as he learned what my responses to his leading would be, and we learned how to dance better together.  While we still stumbled a bit, both in words and in steps, we got much better.   He left long before I wanted to, and I never got to learn how to follow several partners in Salsa the way I'd hoped to, but the overall experience was one of learning, to be sure.


Rowan, the reason I bring this up is that I spent so much of the night just wanting to get out. I kept smiling politely, but I wanted him to sit things out or learn with other partners like I was trying to until he was just good already.   It was as if the Fundamental Attribution Error and Fixed Mindset combined their powers and reared their Terrible Twin Heads of Doom to convince my System 1 brain that John is X way, that's how he is, and there's nothing we can do about it, which my supposedly more advanced System 2 brain took as hard data, and ran with, which wreaked havoc on my feelings about John, about me and John, and about the situation we were in.  It's not like John gets to learn this skill, gets to improve, is only not great for the moment; my brain was telling me, he Is not good now, Always Has Been not good, and Always Will Be not good.   How awful!   Just recognizing that I feel this way has really helped me think about mindsets and how I've been applying them to people.

My very first day at Everest, even before teaching, the delightful Mr. Drew Grimshaw used a phrase to talk about teenagers which I like very much; he said that they're "not done baking yet".  They're like these little cakes in an oven of life somewhere, and while school isn't to dump stuff into the Jell-o mold, school is the heat and once they're done baking, they'll all be baguettes or cookies or casseroles or pretzels or challah or cake, and then they'll be what they are.  And the whole point is that that means adults are done cooking.  With the exception of me, of course, and maybe you, whom I've seen and heard trying to improve yourself, everyone else is done.   They are what they are, and you've just got to find the most compatible one.  Add to this the common advice that it's important to 'Love your partner for what he is -- don't try to change him,' and I have all but totally forgotten that we get to evolve!   Our actions, our thoughts, our opinions of other people, or activities, our skills... I get to grow and improve, you get to grow and improve, and so does everyone else.   The only  'done-baking' permanent trait I actually need to look for is a desire to grow -- or an ability to change in such a way that self-improvement is something that he wants for himself -- not necessarily a hardworking, caring good dancer, who is already perfect at all the skills and possesses all the traits I want in a partner.  While things are probably going to work out better -- or at least more easily -- if he already possesses some traits, such as patience, and has mastered some skills, such as the ability to make me laugh, these are things that can be learned.


I think this is the case with friends, and coworkers, and the people at work who drive us crazy, and everyone.  So the question, perhaps, becomes... how does one help someone else to grow?   Should you actively do something?   Should you just be there to hear about the things that they want to change, and then help only when asked?  Are these all the wrong questions?   Perhaps just in trying to improve myself, I may inspire others to do the same... or perhaps that is the single most self-centered, jerk-face sentence I could have uttered on this topic.

So, wincingly, I put it to you....  thoughts?


~k